When I first met my husband and were getting to know each other there was something he mentioned to me that I thought very interesting. He told me that the keys to a successful relationship was 3 things: communication, compromise and sacrifice. As a shy and awkward person, communication definitely was not my thing and up until today I still struggle with it. However, I am grateful that the Bible has some light to shed on this very important principle and I'd like to share it with you all.
Although over the years I believe I've progressed a lot in the topic of communication, there are still many things that I haven't been practicing at times that tend to cause bitterness and discontentment. This is why I started to look into God's word to learn more the principles that are vital for proper communication. You can find information everywhere in the Bible but today I want to focus on what the fourth chapter of Ephesians has to say on this. Let's dig in!
Principles of communication
1. Speak the truth
"Therefore, putting away lying, “Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor”" Ephesians 4:25
Be honest! Honesty comes in different forms, it isn't only not lying but also not hiding something important or relevant to someone. To be honest is defined as being "free of deceit and untruthfulness; sincere". Today, with the world going more and more away from God's holy law, people tend to lie more. Often we hear about "white lies" and are encouraged to hide the truth in order not to offend someone or make matters worse. Being dishonest tends to lead to the opposite. One of the worse things we can do is act like nothing is bothering us when inside there are many thoughts going on because doing so deceives the other into thinking everything is okay when it isn't. It also creates resentment that builds up over time and that can't be traced back to its root sometimes because of how long it's been on your chest. If we do not speak the truth when communicating to our spouse or friend or anyone, we will never be able to resolve any real issue because the real issue will not be presented. Although it sometimes comes with a cost in the short term such as the other feeling offended/sad or simply because the truth sometimes hurts - in the long term it will allow for growth and reconciliation thanks to the openness between both parties. Of course, this does not mean you have to be blunt about another persons flaws that may bother you but in all things as Christ did, speak the truth in love not in hate! So next time you are having a conversation/argument, ask yourself "am I being honest with my feelings and thoughts?" and ask God to guide you into communicating effectively.
2. Do not go to bed angry
“Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil" Ephesians 4:26
That"s another important point, especially as a married couple! The Bible teaches that yes you can be angry but in your anger do not sin by going to bed still feeling that way about another. If something happened during the day between you and another that's caused you to be angry, you shouldn't sleep on it as though nothing happened but rather confront the other about what caused you such anger. I think this can also apply to being sad. If something made us sad or disappointed we should also do our best not to toss in under the rug but through open communication share these things with the other. Often we will be surprised to find out that the other had no idea this could be such a bother and this will be a lesson for them so that they don't do it again. On the other hand, you might also start to understand the other better because they'll be able to explain themselves rather than you creating scenarios in your mind. And this is how you can progress and love the other more: by knowing their thoughts and intentions better! The Bible also says not to give place to the devil which can be interpreted as don't let the devil tempt you with evil thoughts that make you bitter against the other or make you even angrier. So next time you feel angry or upset, ask God to humble you (because sometimes pride makes us unwilling to go to the other for reconciliation) and go see your spouse/friend/whatever to discuss the matter. I promise if both of you speak kindly and respectfully this will help a lot!
3. Speak your thoughts and feelings but do not attack
"Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers" Ephesians 4:29
When speaking your thoughts and feelings make sure not to attack with mean words but rather simply share your perspective. When telling another things that bother you or you find wrong with them, your goal should be to edify (improve morally) them, to help them grow. It shouldn't be to bring them down but rather help them see where they might be erring so that they can improve and be better people. Instead of bitterness we should be willing to impart grace to the hearer just as we can find grace in Christ despite all our wrong doing. Don't forget to work as a team when communicating not as enemies! The goal should always be reconciliation and progression. So next time you are tempted to attack the other with hurtful words, think of how you would like to be treated if you did something wrong. Think of how Jesus receives you and ask Him to change your heart to do the same with others.
4. Make sure to put aside all evil feelings and thoughts
"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice." Ephesians 4:31
(clamor = shouting)
I think this is pretty straightforward and as a Christian we tend to try to apply this more in our lives. However, one important thing I realized recently is that it's important to apply this not only to our words and actions but our thoughts. Sometimes we think that because we just think it that it's okay but thinking evil will only lead to turning our characters that way also so we need to guard our thoughts very carefully. When evil thoughts come passing by, ask God to reason with you and give you a kinder spirit.
5. On the contrary, have good thoughts and feelings!
"And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32
This is definitely my favorite one! Through all our communications we should be kind to one another no matter what and remember to have a forgiving spirit. When thinking of just how much God has forgiven me of things that I've done wrong, how can I not forgive those around me? We need to humble ourselves and see that we are no better than anyone else and we also fail in many things of our lives so we need to leave space for forgiveness and love to others.
Finally, I know it can be hard at times to tackle this issue of communication especially when you don't feel confident in your way to speak. I can definitely relate because just a few years ago I needed to write on paper to communicate my feelings with my husband! That's how unable I was to express myself. But I promise you that the more you do it, the better and more confident you'll become and it'll make your relationships much stronger. I encourage you to keep learning about effective communication and start by using the Biblical principles to do so. Don't forget to ask God to help you throughout the process, He is more than happy to help those who seek His help!
Prayer to pray: Dear God, thank you so much for your amazing Word. As old as it is, it contains so much relative and important information for us today. Thank you for not leaving us empty handed and for giving us tools to improve ourselves everyday. Please help me as I go on this journey of communicating better and help me to trust that You are by my side even when it's tough. Thank you for everything. In Jesus name, Amen.
May God bless you abundantly!
Much love and smiles,
Nahisha :)
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